THE DAY I BECAME A POETRY ROCKSTAR: who was that confident woman?!
Me?!
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Comfort zone be damned, I’m 63 years old and I’m stepping out!
For the past few months, I’ve been pushing myself to be braver. Bolder. To show up, let my light shine, be my own most fervent advocate. I’ve always been terrified of public speaking, which in my case could also extend to speaking to people in “big positions” - like some of the dinners I had to attend when my husband was still working, where I’d find myself seated beside someone whose ego didn’t even fit in the restaurant, let alone in his chair. I invariably felt completely out of place, out of words, out of thoughts - not to mention completely invisible! - in those endless, excruciating moments. There were, of course, lovely evenings with friendly, interesting people too.
Anyway, I don’t need to do any of that anymore because my husband is retired! Hurray! Actually, even if he wasn’t, I couldn’t have gone to those fancy do’s anymore because of my IBD…
But back to flinging myself out of my comfort zone, which I did big time (for me!) on Friday morning, when I stood behind a lectern and read some of my poetry to a group of people during an informal gathering for residents of the golf club where we live when we’re in Spain.
I’ve been working myself up to doing something like this over the past few months by filming myself reading some of my poems and posting them on Substack. The more I did it, the more at ease I felt - which is normal, obviously, but for someone as shy as me, it really surprised me.
So when I began to recite She Means Well behind my official poet’s (haha) lectern on Friday morning, and realised I wasn’t just reading but also “acting” the poem - while smiling at people and making mischievous eye contact with complete strangers - I wondered who this confident person was and what she’d had for breakfast (granola, and then two Imodium!). And when the poem ended and people clapped, my confidence bloomed like a sunflower, and I segued animatedly into My Body Wants to Be Spanish - the title itself causing quite a few chuckles. I then did (did! Gosh, I sound like a rockstar!) The Bohemians, which closed my little show.
Just three poems? I hear you say. That’s a very short reading! Did you get pelted with tomatoes or something?
No tomatoes were involved. In fact, if it had been up to me, I’d have read the entirety of Illicit Croissants at Dawn. But I was a guest star at a coffee morning for people to get together, and not everyone spoke English, so three longish poems were enough.
Besides, you should have seen the state of me later, once the high wore off! I think I slept most of the afternoon. Also, I woke up with a cold sore on Saturday morning - something I’ve not had for decades - which is weird because I hadn’t felt particularly nervous. But I’m on happy meds (and a few other things), so I guess they were partly responsible for my “Well, hello there my dear, how’ve you been, what’s your news?” newfound performer persona.
While I was still mingling at the coffee morning, people were congratulating me, asking where I get my ideas, and telling me they’d had no idea poetry could be so much fun - because at school they’d been forced to read “serious poetry” and found it dense and boring. A lovely French lady called Charlotte bought a copy of Illicit Croissants at Dawn because she said she doesn’t speak English well enough to read a novel, but that maybe English in small, fun bites would be doable. I signed her copy, then two other people bought copies, so I signed those too.
Then I ate tiny, delicious croissants and drank coffee and felt like skipping around the grass with balloons because I was incredibly happy and felt a little bit like a superstar.
If, like me - and like most writers - you’re shy, unsure of yourself, and hate being the centre of attention, I urge you to take baby steps towards coming out of your shell. You don’t have to say boo to the geese - just ignore them. Find your crowd, find your feet, and - at the risk of stating the obvious - enjoy the process of creating and sharing. Take it slow or go full throttle. Just do it. It’s fun. It’s rewarding. It’s confidence-building.
And it’s never too late!
From left to right: Rachel: agent, Jeff : bodyguard, Cedric: filmography, and me, poet
The venue ⛳️☀️🕶️
