YOU MUST TRY CANVA (after “You Must Try Yoga”)

You must try Canva,

they enthuse.

So you venture in

wearing your big-girl

(old-lady) knickers,

flashing your credit card,

going Pro.

You’ve got this!

Watch me go!

 Soon your neurones

give you hot flashes,

the templates

misbehave

and your images go

haywire –

flashing

cheesy graphics.

The fonts don’t work;

they just make everything

messy.

You light a candle,

take a deep breath,

invoking your beloved yogi –

the eminent

Namastanley.

You delete, you download,

you press random keys –

Command FFS,

Control WTF,

hoping for success.

Namastanley levitates

in horror,

farts on your candle

and buggers off.

You find a calm ribbon of breath,

and sit quietly

among the ashes of ambition,

watching smoke curl

like self-esteem.