SNAILS ON PARADE: a memoir

(It looks kind of gross, but I think it’s an oasis!)

Mayday Mayday,

Paging Dr House!

I am

Marooned on Colitis Island,

My Type B percolating through my veins like snails on parade,

My skin oozing essence of damp flannel.

Coderedding, my Vagus nerve sends erratic twitch-flares from Fibromyalgia Central Station.

Saturday Night Fever never used to feel this way.

*****

Hey there,

It’s getting boring in here. I’ve been marooned in my house for weeks now, wondering when the immunosuppressants for my colitis will begin taking effect. So far, so bad. Worse, in fact. I’ll be paging Dr A tomorrow to discuss what to do, as I cannot go on like this. My husband is amazed at how my mental health is holding out! I tell him it’s writing and good meds…

Mr B played a golf tournament today, and there was nothing in the fridge I could eat - not that I eat much anyway, but there literally was zilch - navigating food with an IBD during a flare is…well, actually, it’s kind of pointless, but nevertheless I figured I needed to eat something seeing as my last meal was porridge at 4 in the morning. Yes, my schedule is doollaly, too.

So I ventured down the road to the shopping centre to buy a few things. Using my trolley like a Zimmer frame, I shuffled through the aisles as quickly as my feet allowed. Somewhere in between biscuits and herbal teas, my body began sounding the alarm, and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I was terrified I might faint, my heart felt like it was echoing in an empty shell, and I could feel moisture pearling all over my face and down my neck. I managed to grab a bouquet of spring flowers from the florist on the way out - there was no queue, and then zoomed home. Thankfully, my son was home with his girlfriend, so I asked them to deal with putting everything away, and I went straight to bed. And slept all afternoon.

It’s now 9 pm and I’m back in bed, exhausted, and thanking my Fairy Godmother for my en-suite bathroom.

Tell me something exciting! What are shenanigans are you up to this Saturday night? Sparkles? Salsa? Sushi?

My only excitement is this:

Available very soon!

xx Cesca